a dispatch from day 3 of detox.
i could swiftly kill someone right now. if detox is also a release of toxic emotions stored in your cells, then i am a study of that in motion/emotion.
everything was going fine until 9 this morning. i woke up starving at 6:45. waited my ritual half hour before eating anything. made a shake. 9 hits and my system is in sudden upheaval. i'm extremely hungry, extremely head achy, moody and depressed. i ate so well yesterday and even squeezed in a workout. my shake this morning was light. i had every reason to feel good about myself. but my body was screaming.
i look in my fridge and i see tuna steaks. so i grill myself a tuna steak at 9 in the morning and top it with some fennel. still hungry. go for a slice of gluten free bread. still hungry and now more headachy. have two handfuls of pine nuts. still fucking hungry.
abstain from further eating. indulge in guilt.
go out to run errands around 11:30. walk by a juice place. find it in me to have a large vegetable juice and an almond nut milk cleanse shake thingy, which is basically a desert without sugar. laden with almond fat. 40 grams of which later, i still want to die. and i have no energy. and new york is disgustingly humid. and all i can do is cast self-loathing glances at my reflection in the subway windows.
i was actually on a pretty good eating streak until today, detox or no detox. and i just feel like i willfully fucked myself over.
are we allowed to curse on this?
guilt is ultimate toxin. but we knew that.
i think my error is in making my breakfasts too light. breakfast needs to consist of a little more than blueberries, shake powders and almond milk. otherwise i starve and then i eat twice as much and feel hateful.
i bought hemp powder to throw into the shakes and some almond butter too.
someone please pick me up and place me in the gym later on for yoga class. my arms are not where i'd like them to be. i mean, they're still attached to my shoulders (praise jesus), but there's been an expanse of late around the bottom which i don't recall inviting. must kick out unwanted guests.
guess that's why i'm doing a detox in the first place.
i could swiftly kill someone right now. if detox is also a release of toxic emotions stored in your cells, then i am a study of that in motion/emotion.
everything was going fine until 9 this morning. i woke up starving at 6:45. waited my ritual half hour before eating anything. made a shake. 9 hits and my system is in sudden upheaval. i'm extremely hungry, extremely head achy, moody and depressed. i ate so well yesterday and even squeezed in a workout. my shake this morning was light. i had every reason to feel good about myself. but my body was screaming.
i look in my fridge and i see tuna steaks. so i grill myself a tuna steak at 9 in the morning and top it with some fennel. still hungry. go for a slice of gluten free bread. still hungry and now more headachy. have two handfuls of pine nuts. still fucking hungry.
abstain from further eating. indulge in guilt.
go out to run errands around 11:30. walk by a juice place. find it in me to have a large vegetable juice and an almond nut milk cleanse shake thingy, which is basically a desert without sugar. laden with almond fat. 40 grams of which later, i still want to die. and i have no energy. and new york is disgustingly humid. and all i can do is cast self-loathing glances at my reflection in the subway windows.
i was actually on a pretty good eating streak until today, detox or no detox. and i just feel like i willfully fucked myself over.
are we allowed to curse on this?
guilt is ultimate toxin. but we knew that.
i think my error is in making my breakfasts too light. breakfast needs to consist of a little more than blueberries, shake powders and almond milk. otherwise i starve and then i eat twice as much and feel hateful.
i bought hemp powder to throw into the shakes and some almond butter too.
someone please pick me up and place me in the gym later on for yoga class. my arms are not where i'd like them to be. i mean, they're still attached to my shoulders (praise jesus), but there's been an expanse of late around the bottom which i don't recall inviting. must kick out unwanted guests.
guess that's why i'm doing a detox in the first place.
Alexis, bienvenida a bordo. Yo ya estoy acabando. El primer día es una mierda, pero se mejora sustancialmente y bien rápido, lo prometo.
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