Stupid Things No1: Things that make you go Poo!

Quiero incluir algunos cuentos sobre pastillas, dietas y modas para adelgazar que terminaron siendo un fiasco…Y naturalmente llegamos al momento en esta historia en que hablamos de popó.   En este caso vamos a hablar de dos errores que he hecho por pura falta de criterio.  Y es que por más inteligente que uno sea inevitablemente cae en las trampas de las dietas de moda y las pastillas que prometen milagros, nos puede la idea de que podemos conseguir las cosas fácilmente sin necesidad de trabajo… y eso es una mierda *sin juego de palabras. 

24 Hour Hollywood Miracle Diet : Tomar jugo con vitaminas por 24 horas eternas y perder peso liquido.  La manera mas estúpida y engañosa de perder peso.  24 horas de hambre y desespero para volver a ganar todo el peso dos días después de terminar.   Cuando no se tiene nada en el sistema lo último que sale de la digestión es una grasa negra bituminosa con un olor extraño a prosciutto.  Nunca jamás!

Alli:  Nunca sabré si estas pepas funcionan o no, pues no terminé el tratamiento.  Y es que hay que cambiar drásticamente el estilo de vida para poder tomar esta pastilla.  No se puede comer alimentos con más de cierto porcentaje de grasa; la logica indicaría que uno puede perder peso de esta forma sin tener que tomarse las pastillas.  Pero hay una cosita que ocurre que no dice en el paquete; si uno toma más grasa de lo debido sale la mismísima grasa por la parte de atrás.  Esto se llama “anal leakage” y es muy sexy.  Un anónimo en internet escribió lo siguiente, muy acertado:

“How long till Alli stops giving me Anal Leakage? – By Anon

So yeah, I try this new Alli diet pill, it says something like if I eat bad too much to watch out for the side effects, my GOD what side effects! They should put that in big bold letters on the box! "WARNING! If you buy this product and you can't eat like a Rabbit every day, invest in black underwear and expect to do your own laundry to help with the embarrassment.

Imagine my surprise when I was like," you know I been good all week, I think I will eat a nice greasy slice of Pizza!" Had I known that the next time I pulled my underwear down I was going to get a big surprise I would have changed my mind. I mean here I am pulling down my tighty whities when I see this big orange wet spot on the back. It's scared me I thought I was dying, good thing I didn't call 911, could you imagine that embarrassing call?
"Hello 911 Emergency"
"Yes, send an ambulance, I think I am dying"
"What's the matter sir?"
"There's greasy orange substance leaking out of my poop chute!"
"very funny sir, did you know it is a felony to prank call emergency services?"
*click*
What scares me too was the orange spotting in the water, it's like you threw a KFC drum stick in the toilet and all the grease came up to the surface! Though since the toilet spots are a darker orange and this happened in a dimly lit bathroom it looked more like blood, I thought I was the first guy to ever get his period. I don't think I could handle that, I would be scared if I had an urge to watch Oxygen and Lifetime, and laugh at female comedians who do nothing but complain about how much men suck. I can't even fart in the bathtub without doing an impression of the Exxon Valdez, I swear I can hear baby seals crying.
What where the drug makers thinking when they made this?
Doctor, "Hey guys I have a great Idea to get people to lose weight and to cut back on STD's!"
"How!"
"We'll invent a pill that when you eat bad (and most will) will cause embarrassing side effects, they won't even be able to pass wind without soiling their selves, so therefore it will entice them to eat right!"
"How will it solve STD's?"
"Do you Seriously think anyone taking this stuff and getting orange anal leakage is going to get laid?"
*round of applause*”